Metal heart you're not worth a thing.

I've neglected my blog for about three days and feel guilty about it. I haven't been feeling great these past few days. Well no, I haven't felt great for a while now. You could just blame it on my lack of activity during the past week, but there's a lot more to it. I remember the last time I felt truly happy. It was too long ago.
As the month of January comes to a close, I look back on the month that was and it has been very eventful. I've changed and grown as a person, for better and for worse. I've opened myself up to my loved ones, which has been both good and bad. I'm much more honest with myself and have given up on trying. I've gotten over myself and now know what and who I need, like, want and don't need anymore. I know that sounds cruel, but it's who I am now.
This time half a month ago. I was back in Melbourne. That was the last time I remember being truly happy. I miss Melbourne so much it hurts. It upsets me when I sit here and think about how different my life would be if I was still there. I feel like I'm missing out on so much here. I can't go out and do what I would back home. There are more people like me back home. I would have a much better quality of life. I would be happier. I would be happy.

"Living overseas is a wonderful opportunity, and the people you will meet and schools you go to are going to open so many doors for you and offer you so much"

I understand this and have heard it millions of times, but what good is all of this if I'm not enjoying it. What good is all of this going to do me if all it does it get me down. Your teenage years are supposed to be some of the best in your life, but mine haven't. Mine have been plagued with constant change. I want stability. I need stability. I'm growing and changing, all that I ask for is for my surroundings to stay the same, but obviously that's too much to ask. I know what you must be thinking, "Oh great, another spoilt whinging teenager", but you don't understand. Nobody seems to understand or listen. I've tried to talking about it with the hope that I would be able to change all of this, but that was all in vain and now it feels like I'm dangling over the edge, and I'm about to fall. Everything seems to be out of my own control and it's all beginning to fall apart.


  1. i'm here for you girlie, you know that.
    i know how it feels, trust meee, and i may not 'understand' the extent or anything, but it sucks and i'm feeling it too. everyday. but i just tryyy to push those awful thoughts to the back of my mind and stay positive.
    sometimes i feel like you're my escape from these people haha.
    keep your head up, hard as it may seem.

    i know this doesn't really sound like me haha but that's coz i try not to talk about the deeper feelings i have about this place.

    listen to some bmth, youtube jack barakat and take more pictures for chictopia :)
    eventually, things can only get better. even though it may feel like it'll take a while.

    vent to me and good on ya for realising you're worth more than anything 'becca' says.